The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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