Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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