The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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