I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
