what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
