Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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