So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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