dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
