he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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