just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
