Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
