Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just cropdusted the office
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize