found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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