Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
