Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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