the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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