Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?