I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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