i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
