This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
