I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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