You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
