Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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