Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
