grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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