You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
