i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
