Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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