When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
