She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
