bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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