My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
