He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
