just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
