dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
