I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
