dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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