Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
