he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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