WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
