I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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