Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
