You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
