Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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