Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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