Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
