I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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