my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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