Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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