So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
