if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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