Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
