I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
