our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
