I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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