I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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