I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
