I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
