Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
