I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
