if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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