when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
