Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
