If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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